“Let’s go!” Marc called back to me as he grabbed my suitcase and his and took off at a jog towards the airport. We were finally going on vacation and getting a break from the farm and work.
I was so excited to get away; nothing beats the joy and relaxation of a good vacation. It had been 7 months since I’d left suburbia and all that I knew and moved to the country, so I was definitely feeling the need to get out and see some city life and the ocean!
We were also going to get to stay with some of Marc’s friends from college (and also get to see our friends who introduced us). I had been looking forward to this trip for weeks and it was finally here!
When we got to the beach, it was beautiful and I loved Marc’s friends! Vacation was off to a wonderful start.
Then it happened. From the pit, the green-eyed monster of jealousy crept into my heart. I wasn’t used to sharing Marc; out on the farm there is really only Bill and I to vie for Marc’s affections. While I really enjoyed getting to see him pal around with his old friends, I couldn’t shake the feeling of jealousy. What was more upsetting to me than the feelings of jealousy was the fact that I was jealous!
I soon was lost in a circular pit of being angry with myself for feeling the way I was feeling and angry that my anger was affecting my usual light-hearted demeanor. I was having what I like to call “A Typical Female Moment.” Wrapped up so tight in emotions and I couldn’t seem to get out of them. Why couldn’t I get over it? I was ruining my vacation and possibly others around me.
I finally couldn’t take the way I was feeling any longer and I told Marc the night before we left. He completely blew me away with the grace and love he gave me. I definitely didn’t deserve it and it actually made me feel even worse. (I’m SUCH a female!)
As we said our goodbyes the next morning, I tried my best to be as chipper as I could to make up for my terrible behavior the day before, wishing I could erase the day before and start over.
After Marc and I made it through airport security, I started to feel terrible again. Enter feelings of guilt at not fully enjoying our vacation I had been so excited about and dragging Marc into it. I was sitting in an over-priced airport restaurant saving a table for Marc and I while he got our food. I can remember staring at some car race on the TV, trying not to cry.
I tried not to cry waiting in the gate; I tried not to cry waiting in line to get on the plane, I tried not to cry sitting in our seats… I tried, and failed. Marc turned to give me a hug and the floodgates released. I didn’t deserve a hug! After my terrible mood and emotional roller coaster I’d forced Marc to ride with me, I deserved to be punished, I thought. When he saw my tears his face immediately changed to concern and I blubbered, “I really wish you would be a little more awful to me sometimes.”
Marc immediately enveloped me into another hug and whispered, “Why would you say that? No one should be ‘awful’ to you! Ever! I love you.”
After that I got to share more of how I was feeling, get all my processing out and finally feel better, more like me. But I think I will always remember that feeling, the feeling of being loved when I didn’t deserve it.
The next day at church, we sang “How He Loves,” and I was hit with how much God loves us. That even in my worst, He will always love me (Ephesians 2:4-5). In a small way, Marc exemplified that to me. Choosing to love me when I was unlovable.
How thankful I am to serve a God that loves and cherishes me, and that He blessed me with family, friends, and a husband who strive to do the same. Even when I am an emotional, jealous, and frustrating woman!
By: Brianna Molitor (Photo Credit: @copyright2017BriannaNicolePhotography All Rights Reserved)